Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don’t have two hundred books somewhere that you haven’t read yet, I don’t trust you.

Whaddaya mean ‘old maids,’ ha? The term is ‘unclaimed treasure,’ buddy, ’unclaimed treasure!

Poor Holly. There she was, completely unaware while millions of minute mucus particles, each carrying the flu virus, exploded into the air like rain. It was their germ mission to land on her and try to find their way into an opening of her body, much like a date I once had attempted with me.

I just might kill someone in my next job, and I’ll be honest here, I couldn’t do the time. Really. No way. I couldn’t share a room with four other people, let alone poop in front of them. I hate sharing a room and a bathroom with my husband, and I even have eminent domain over him. Prison would never work out: I’d get picked last for all of the gangs, I’d never get included in the escape plans, it would be just like high school.

It’s okay,” my husband said, shuffling toward his study. “I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.

If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don’t even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.

How could I compete with that? Candies and toys! I had string and glue and some very complicated dynamics going on at my station. I mean, when I was assigned to that table, no one happened to mention that it was a simmering hotbed of political unrest concerning the lower case r. A wicked web indeed.

I totally deserved this, I realized. I deserved to get captured in this shirt. I was roped in like a calf. Stupid. So stupid. Just because it was on sale, I had to try on a baby shirt. This was so completely my fault. Maybe I should go to Baby Gap tomorrow and try to get into some Onesies or a romper. What was I thinking? Really?

Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren’t dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.

So I graduated from college with a degree in journalism and was ready to find my dream job at a newspaper in addition to one good man who owned his own car and was certain about his sexuality, my two new, revised qualifying criteria for a potential date.